Saturday, January 9, 2010

"And Now For Something Completely Different"

Enjoy some silliness!

Top Ten Rejected Saké Names

10. Kikko Man Juice
9. Godzilla's Fiery Pee
8. Rice-a-Roni, the Tokyo Treat
7. Love Hotel Drippings
6. Golden Shower Ginjo
5. Jak-Off Junmai
4. Happy Hiroshima Memories
3. Elixir of a Used Schoolgirl Panty
2. Spit of the Syphilitic Samurai
1. Die Gaijin Dai-Ginjo

Top Ten Avant-Garde Ingredients of the Future

10. Mold
9. Dried placenta
8. Kitty Litter
7. Play-Doh
6. Fingernail clippings
5. Organic dog food
4. Hemlock
3. Belly button lint
2. "Yellow" snow
1. "Long pig" (Look it up!)

Top Ten Rejected Restaurant Names

10. Cats, Dogs & Other Pets
9. Week-Old Leftovers
8. Piss & Vinegar
7. Swine Flu Cafe
6. Overpriced & Tasteless
5. Testicle Trattoria
4. Benny's Buffet & Vomitorium
3. Fat Gluttons Only
2. Dan's Diarrhea Diner
1. Hitler's Kosher BBQ

Top Ten Signs of a Person Overly Obsessed With Wine

10. Your children are named Cabernet, Chardonnay and Pinotage.
9. You are building an addition onto your house, using only corks.
8. You work three jobs, two solely to pay for your wine.
7. You have memorized all of Parker's ratings for French Bordeaux for the past 20 years.
6. You drink wine with breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert, 365 days a year
5. You can recite the names of over 5000 wine grapes.
4. Your entire house is wallpapered with pages from the Wine Spectator.
3. Every evening, you watch your DVD of Sideways.
2. Your key chain has a corkscrew, tastevin, wine collar, wine stopper, aerator, wine pourer, and personalized wine charm.
1. You have legally changed your name to Oenophile.

Top Ten Reasons to Be a Wine Blogger

10. Free wine!
9. You have the potential to stand out among 1000 other wine blogs.
8. You don't need to know anything about wine.
7. You can work at your own pace, whenever you get a chance.
6. Wine is sexy.
5. Many bloggers will assist you if you have questions.
4. You'll become a celebrity among your family and friends.
3. You can feel like a professional wine writer.
2. Free wine (it deserves mentioning twice)!
1. You can earn money.

Top Ten Reasons Not to Be a Wine Blogger

10. Most of the free wine you receive sucks!
9. You will likely get buried in obscurity among 1000 other wine blogs.
8. It will be painfully obvious you know nothing about wine.
7. You'll end up spending as much time writing as a full time job.
6. Being a wine geek is not sexy.
5. Many bloggers will plaigarize you and bad mouth you behind your back.
4. Your family and friends won't actually read your blog.
3. Professional wine writers will despise you.
2. You actually prefer beer and vodka to wine.
1. You'll earn enough money to buy an extra cup of coffee each month.

This is my 2000th blog post! Over the past 2 1/12 years, I have averaged about 2 posts a day. I pondered long over what type of post would be appropriate to commemorate this special occasion. In the end, I took the advice of El Jefe, who suggested I consider WWMPD, What Would Monty Python Do. As I contemplated that advice, I decided to write something silly, and hopefully funny. You be the judge of that.

Feel free to add your own contributions to any of the above lists in the Comments.


Dale Cruse said...

Long pig!

David Dadekian said...

Thank you, Rich. This had me seriously laughing and even laughing seriously. I don't think I could handle a wafer thin joke right now without bursting.

jacqueline church said...

Mazel tov. I can't count that high...maybe more coffee..;-)

David Dadekian said...

Got an 11th avant garde ingredient of the future for you: breast milk. When my wife Brenda was nursing our first we would also store breast milk in bags in our freezer. I was joking with a friend one day that you could probably make an ice cream base with it. I'm fully expecting to see it out there someday.

The Wine Whore said...

Great post!

Not only do I love top ten lists but the ones you have about wine blogging are SO TRUE! :)

Congrats on your 2000th post... I'm looking forward to many more!


El Jefe said...

Hilarious post and congrats! Dan Berger once opined that no one would call a wine "Pig Sty" yet that's what we call our port-style, so never say never on some of these! I have another one for your obsession list:

11. At the dentist's office, you swirl the mouthwash in the cup... (guilty!)

Also, I understand that long pig pairs perfectly with the Donner Party Zin from Newsome-Harlow here in Calaveras County. That's what I hear, anyway...

Anonymous said...

Rich, this is quite an accomplishment! I can only hope to survive to 200 let alone 2000! Your 10 reasons not to become a wine blogger caused some depression accompanied by some shots!

Again, great job!

Josh @nectarwine twitter

Katedrinkswine said...

Congrats! Wonderful 2000th post!

Palate Press said...

2,000? Mazel Tov! And well done. Well done indeed.

Richard Auffrey said...

I am glad so many people found these lists funny. Thanks to all the positive comments here and o Twitter. Thanks also for the kudos for my 2000th post.

Should I have added long piglet too?

Thanks for your addition of the "breast milk." That is very funny and well worthy of a spot on the list.

El Jefe:
Thanks for your contribution as well. I'll have to check myself the next time at the dentist office to see if I do this or not. And you might have found the best possible wine pairing for long pig.